Reuniting with Christ

I'm back after being gone for a while...

The title of this post brings me much joy because the road to get here was not easy and had some pit stops. I was raised in Christianity, went to a private school from preschool up to 7th grade and during my time at that school I learned about God. But I also learned about human error. The human actions dissuaded me from the word of God and had arisen in many of my church experiences further into my adolescence and teenage years. I never denounced God, I would just never go to church or would call Him by different names, such as the universe or gods/goddesses. I would state that the Bible was written by men and therefore had human error. Sidenote, I am in love with the book The Shack by William P. Young and I really feel that its belief that God is a loving God and not one who does anything to punish us out of vengeance. Bad things happen in this world and it is because of human error and God can bring good things out of those experiences; we are all His children and therefore he does not pick and choose who he turns away from.

I came back to God a little more than two years ago, when I lived in San Francisco and was having a trying time trying to figure out if I should stay or return home. I had an experience that highlighted the loneliness I was feeling and the difficulty that comes with living with other people. In that period I would go to work and then come home and isolate myself in my room reading the Bible. It also didn't help that #45 was elected and I felt an overwhelming sense of fear. Now in hindsight, I can see that whenever I have a hard moment I always turn to God, even something as simple as a nightmare gets me to recite the Lord's Prayer. So with the Lord's help, I decided it was time to move home and be with my family. But when I got home I didn't stick with Him.

Flash forward to this year when I needed Him again...big time. I have never had a boyfriend and at 25 I met this guy that I thought could be the one. When we finally became involved after him getting out of a long relationship, I thought this was finally my chance and I rushed into being with him. But we had a difference on what I was running into, he wasn't really into dating...he figured we worked together every day we are kinda going on dates every day. Y'all know that is not what a girl was taught. He also kept mentioning other girls' names or I would see a text message from a girl when he would be showing me his phone and it would incite a lot of fear, insecurity, and jealousy. I knew that wasn't good for me. I was totally confused, here is a guy I would talk to 24/7 who never mentioned other girls before besides his ex but all of a sudden when he's "talking" to me there's a hoard of them. My gut or my soul (which I have come to understand it as) knew this wasn't right and so I had a pain in my stomach for about a week just not letting me lower myself to this situation.  I say all this to say that all of this ended in April of this year I just couldn't stay in that situation. I would always think this isn't what I ever thought dating would be like and if it's this, I don't want it.  Leaving that relationship and him actually taken someone else out on a date (the one thing I wanted) and finding it necessary to tell me, led me into a depression which ultimately ended with me reuniting to God. The depression was self-imposed because I couldn't understand why it happened or what went wrong, we were best friends but he flipped when we started "talking." To try to find my answers I went through the New Age Universe is taking care of you phase/astrology to knowing that that's an unfilling substitution for the real thing, the real Almighty God.

I sit here today on the 1st of September and I feel peaceful, no depression in sight. I know that that trial had to happen because it brought me back to God. I was putting myself and others before my relationship with God and it just didn't work. Now, it's human to feel like, if God made you have that experience because you were putting others before Him must mean that he's vengeful. But I disagree, I think it's with a limited sight that I give this explanation for the situation I went through when it could very well be that God was protecting me from an even terrible situation and telling me this is not the one. Even though it hurt that the answer was no to that relationship, there was a lot of good that happened and will continue to happen. I have faith in that.  "Be still and know that I Am God." Psalms 46: 10, has popped up in so many things during this journey and it's true. He is in control of the situation, He can deliver us during our trials and tribulations as long as we put our trust in Him. Believing that He is with us with every step, wiping every tear, and healing our broken hearts. When we put aside our pride and our ego, we can see His glory and grace.